adoptee, adoption, anger, birthfather, birthmother, brother, death, dissociate identity disorder, drugs, family, father, good vs evil, mental illness, mother, multiple personality disorder, pain, rejection, reunion, Uncategorized

Two years ago…

1271912_160367034164261_1997061723_oMy dear mother died 2 years ago today.

I was not there.  My auntie was, I made sure Mom was not alone.  I gave her her sister.  Aunt Ginny was in jail when I told her Mom was sick.  She was in a bad way.  I bought her a bus ticket, from Michigan to NYC, so she could be with my mother.  I couldn’t do it, because I was a stranger to my own mother.

Mom was not comfortable with me.  I guess it was because she gave me away, and because she was mentally ill.

I don’t understand mental illness.  I never had experience with it, before I found my mother.  I did not know how cruel mental illness was.  It allows a person to do terrible things.  They don’t want to do those things, but their mind bends in a way that makes them think what they are doing in OK.

I still have a lot to learn.  I’m still so angry, at my mother, at the world.  At whoever made me what I am.

I never got to know my mother.  Oh God, why did you do this to me?  Are you to blame?

3 thoughts on “Two years ago…”

  1. Marylee:
    What a selfless and kind act you did for Ginny, your mother’s sister – making it possible for her to visit her sister before she passed. Among the many who don’t care or won’t get involved, out steps one person who does care, and understands how important it is for them to reunite for the last time. I won’t ask what Aunt Ginny’s situation is, unless you want to say. But I hope that it was a meaningful visit for your mother and her sister, albeit under very sad circumstances.

    I am so sorry that your mother was not able to find some peace of mind, and comfort for her soul, in knowing you, her daughter. It seems that should have been the case. And yes, people with mental illness, they do not understand at the time if what they are doing or saying, is wrong. I had much experience with that, with my own mother (who had very severe mental illness.) And I imagine your mother felt a lot of guilt and perhaps envied – or even resented – the fact that you were evidently a stable person, something that she was not, and would never be – due to her horrible childhood, disillusionment with people, and hard drug use.

    Best wishes to you and your family. And to Aunt Ginny – you were an angel for helping her at a time when it really matters. You were very kind, not a quality that we see a lot of these days.

    1. Thank you, you’re very kind. Ginny was raised in the same environment as my mother, and suffered severe abuse as well. This affected her life. She was in jail for drinking and driving, and lives on a small disability payment.

      My mother died in her arms.

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