The last time


April 21, 2014.  The last time I saw  my mother, outside of the hospital, where she died.

I was on a leave of absence from my job, because of health issues.  I was only allowed to communicate with my mother in person, at a place of her choosing.  I decided I would go see her, on her home turf.

We went to her apartment, for a few minutes then walked the Highline, down to 14th street.  We were hungry, so we decided to get a bite to eat.  I spotted the Gaslight Cafe, and thought, brilliant! I’ve been gaslighted, and so was Mom.  I tried to explain what gaslighting was, but I’m not sure if she understood.  She was smart, maybe she didn’t want to understand.  I made her very uncomfortable. We sat on one of the couches,  the furthest one, in the picture, or the one before it.   I paid for lunch.

We had a nice lunch.  As we were leaving, Mom got a phone call.  It was from her friend Greg.  She spoke for a few minutes.  She said, “oh, you need me to help you now?, OK”.

Greg needed her help with a drag costume.  On the day she met with her adopted out daughter, who she hadn’t seen in over a year.  I felt that the call was pre planned.  I could just tell by her voice, and attitude.  I didn’t know my mother very well, but some things came through loud and clear .

I think she told Greg to call her at a certain time, so she could have an excuse to get rid of me.  I’ll never know if that was true, but I could feel it in my bones.  I had a connection to Mom in a mysterious way.

I said, “sure Mom, OK”.  I got in a taxi and went home.  The next time I saw her, it was 15 months later and she was in Bellevue.  As soon as I saw her in that bed, I knew she was going to die.

I miss her, but she was scary, and mean.  I wish we had more time, and that she could have seen me as her daughter, not someone who was out to destroy her.




adoptee, adoption, anger, birthmother, brainwashing, family, pain, rejection, reunion, Uncategorized

My Virtual Living Room

living room

I responded, honestly to a question posed on a prominent adoptive mother’s Blog…


My comment was not approved.   I was told this:

iwish — mine is not a business. It’s simply my space and I write there to clarify my own thinking and to engage respectfully with others. Typically, those who visit also want to clarify their own thinking and engage respectfully with others.

TAO was correct in her guess for my reasons for removing your comment. My guidelines say that I aim for discussions to shed more light than heat. It feels like with two of your comments, we were at cross purposes.

By the way, one of your comments is (and has been) approved. It was clear and concise and did not feel as much like a weapon as the others. We all get to decide what gets through and what doesn’t in our own space.

I contend that, if you ask a question, you can’t only accept the answers that you like.  And if you post a question, you are inviting me into your “virtual living room”.

This was my response.


I am an adoptee from the closed era, and it was bad.

I don’t think it’s any better now. There are terrible organizations out there like http://www.bravelove.org/. They exist to convince vulnerable women that they should give away their newborns, all so Gladney adoption agency can make money.

Open adoption seems like a special kind of torture to me. I cannot imagine watching my mother leave me over and over again. My heart would break every time.
Her actions would show me that she really did not want me, and that would be devastating.

I also do not understand the mentality of many adoptive parents. How can you be willing to take a newborn from their mothers arms, and then turn around and claim to love that baby? If you truly loved them, you would want the very best for them, and want to do everything in your power to keep that child with their mother. Anything less is cruel. Help the mother, but don’t take her child.

Adoption agencies still sell newborns. They have had to change their tactics, shame won’t work anymore. The easy money days are gone, they have to work to convince vulnerable women to give away their children, see http://www.bravelove.org/, and http://www.adoptionstar.com/adoptive-parents/?gclid=CI7r1tWQ7MsCFddahgoduA4Okw. It’s sheer madness how low these agencies will sink, just to keep their supply of infants from drying up.

So, is adoption better now? Not infant adoption, which is rarely needed. Women in crisis pregnancy need the crisis removed, not the newborn.

There are so many countries that are doing it better than we are. We need to end for profit adoption agencies. Take the money and coercion out of adoption. Let children keep their names, birth certificates and dignity. No one deserves to have their past erased, even if i’s not pretty.

I feel adoptee shamed, again.

Any and all comments will be posted.  I have an open living room policy.  I do not see this as my virtual living room, but as a window into my mind, that I chose to open.

I chose to blog, so the consequences, and opinions I get will not be censored, no matter how i feel about them.





adoptee, adoption, anger, brainwashing, death, family, father, pain, rejection, Uncategorized

The Agency

I called the agency for the first time in 1999 and they sent me my non-identifying info. I opened the letter and cried hard, and long.  My baby was sleeping.  I sobbed for all I had lost, and because the paper held no answers for me.  There was no clear reason why they gave me away.  There never was.

I called the agency again, after I found my parents, wondering if they could give me more info.  They sent this.  A few paragraphs were added, but it’s still filled with gobbledygook like “paternal birth grandmother”.  Doesn’t that just roll off your tongue?

Seven months after my mother’s death.  Never heard a word from my brother, the one she kept, or my fathers family.  My heart is still broken.



Neither of my parents ever graduated High School, though Mom did get an associates degree from FIT.  Their marriage was annulled when I was 6 month old.