adoptee, adoption, anger, death, family, hospital, pain, rejection, reunion

The worst thing, so far

My mother is in Hospice care.  Her days are numbered.

All I want to do is be near her, for this last time in her life.  I got cheated out of so much, but I am not even allowed this last bit.

My mother kept her last child, a son, born 4 years after me.  She had one abortion, one adoption and finally she got it right, she kept him.  She appealed to his father’s family, and they helped her.  She told me she has never gone more than 4 days without speaking to him.  He is 48.

I was going to work today, woke up early and got dressed, but I hadn’t slept much the night before, and I really wanted to see my mother.  She was moved to the hospice floor last night, after I left the hospital.  I left when kept son came.  I don’t like to be around him.  I do not like him at all.  Part is jealousy, and part is the way he treats me.

My sweet husband drove me to the hospital, about 1 hour, by car from where I live.  I got there at 9 am, and found my dear Auntie lying in the empty bed in the peaceful, orderly room.  Mom was in the other bed.  She is emaciated, her bones sharp in her still beautiful face.  Her nose is mine, her chin and face, all so strange, yet so like my own!

I sat in the comfortable chair, and looked at my mother, marveling at this stranger who brought me into this world, and was so soon going to leave me again.  I sat with Mom while Auntie got a cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette.  I was glad to be with her, even though mom is not conscious.  She seems to be sleeping, snoring with a slight gasping sound.  It’s heartbreaking, but since it’s all I have left, I cherish it.

Then Auntie got a text, kept son was on his way!  Soon his face was at the door.  He began crying loudly.  We went out to get some air, and leave them alone for awhile.   Auntie wanted to get mom something pretty to wear.  Mom was very fashionable, and made a lot of her own outfits.  She studied fashion, and was an accomplished seamstress.  We went to the gift shop and picked up a pretty bed jacket.  Mom was wearing the fuzzy socks I had given her yesterday.

We went back into the room, and Auntie asked kept son to leave, so she could put the bed jacket on Mom.  He disappeared.  He then texted Auntie, asking when he could have time alone with his mother.

So we waited for him to come back, and we left.  Auntie had been at the hospital for 2 days, and had not showered or changed her clothes.  She headed back to her place and I headed back to mine. We rode the bus together for awhile, then she got off.  I stayed on until I reached the train station, where i caught a train home.  I had been planning to stay all day, and my husband was going to pick me up after work.

That’s not how it works when you’re given up for adoption.  He is her son, I am nobody and nothing. He kicks me out, and I get on the bus.  He is the alpha and the omega.

This was my parents choice.  they did this to me.  There is nothing for me to do but accept it.  Kept son can kick me out of my mother’s last days at any time.

I am nobody and nothing

I am nobody and nothing

Wasn’t a lifetime with her enough?  Why can’t I have this, too?

adoptee, adoption, hospital, rejection, reunion

My Mother is Gravely Ill

My mother, the one who gave me life is in the hospital, fighting for her life.

She had a large part of her liver removed.  I didn’t find out until 3 weeks later.  My half brother, the one she kept didn’t Tell me, because my mother said not to tell anyone.  This is another reason she should have kept me.  I am smart.  Smarter than my brother.  I would never not tell someone that their mother is having life threatening surgery!!!  There is NO excuse for that.  I am her child.

As soon as I found out, i went to the hospital.  Took off from work, got my ass on a train and a crosstown bus and went to see my mother. I haven’t seen her in over a year.  We have issues. She’s so happy to see me, and tells me I’m an angel who appeared out of nowhere.   She’s a mess.  Still bedridden, not really eating.

I called the hospital a few days later, and they tell me she was released!  I have no idea where she is.  I beg the one she kept, and he tells me shes in a nursing home, near his home.

I drive 2 hours with my 18 year old daughter, and go to the city where i was born.  The one who she kept’s wife is there.  She wisely hightails it out of there when she sees me.  If looks could kill.  There she is sitting with MY MOTHER and this woman didn’t even have the common decency to tell me she was ill, or that she was moved?  I feel the trauma of loss all over again.

We have a nice visit, but Mom still doesn’t look good.  A few days later, I wake up early, with a bad feeling in my heart.  I go downstairs and wait until 7am to call the nursing home.  They tell me she was released!!  There was no way this woman was going home.  She is bedridden.  They tell me she went back to the hospital.  I have no idea what has happened, but assume the worst.

The nursing home won’t tell me where she went, but the do tell me she went back to the hospital.  They transfer me to the head nurse, who asks me who I am.  I say her daughter, and they tell me I’m not the informant.  I have to ask the one who she kept if i want any info.  My husband calls him,  I wake him up, screaming, “my mother’s dying, and they won’t tell me where she is!’.  The poor man.  The one she kept didn’t answer his phone.  I beg the nursing home to tell me what city my mother’s in.  The head nurse finally blurts out the name of the hospital.

Mom had an infection and is back in ICU.  I go visit.

I realize the one she kept is not going to share information about my mother with me.  I call the hospital everyday, to check on her condition.