adoptee, adoption, anger, rejection, reunion

Still Angry, After All These Years

I read about adoptees who aren’t angry.  They don’t blame their parents for the decisions they made, they are at peace.  I wish I were one of them.

Instead I boil inside.  I lie awake, next to my husband, tossing and turning.  The loss bubbles up and consumes me.  I cannot rest!

The images flash through my head, my father’s family at a wedding, laughing and dancing.  My mother kissing her grandson, my father cleaning the pool for his teenage children to swim in.  I’m not in any of these pictures, and I never will be.

In my mind, I’m part of their family.  In their mind it’s not the case.  They gave me away, and they meant it.  They can’t understand why I can’t just accept it, and be happy with what I have.

I don’t know why I can’t either.  What is the secret of those happy adoptees?  When i ask, no one can tell me.  They just choose to be happy.  Does that mean I choose to be hurt?

Four years post reunion.  Still an outcast.