adoptee, adoption, rejection, reunion

When we first met…

When I met my mother face to face, for the first time that I could remember, it felt strange.  Not  happy, just odd.  I knew it was her.  Her face was strangely familiar, yet I didn’t  feel anything.  I was detached from the scene, not sure what to do next.  It was winter. Snow was underfoot.  She wore a big coat.  She was wearing makeup and looked nice. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I would love her until I died.  She had my heart from before I knew her, and there was nothing I could do about it.  I wished I felt more, but I could not.  

I was with my husband and 13 year old daughter.  It was too much.  It was not enough.  

She spoke fast.  She looked scared.  She seemed nervous.  I was in love.  I wanted her to love me.  I didn’t know what to think.  She was a real person, not just a dream.  I never thought I’d actually see her face again.  I knew I was real, then.  

I wanted to scream,WHY?  I wanted to shake her, I wanted to slap her, I wanted to hug her.  I wanted to take care of her.  I wanted her to take care of me.  I wanted to feel more.  I wanted more.  

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