This topic is so big, and so painful.
My mother played a starring role in my life, even though I didn’t meet her until I was 48 years old. That’s not exactly true, I met her the day I was born, and she cared for me in the hospital for 5 days before she took me to the agency. I must’ve loved her very much, because her loss destroyed me. I live, I laugh, I do things everyone else does, but I’m not all there, and I never will be. When I lost my mother, and entire family I lost a big chunk of myself too.
I longed for her my entire life. My real mother, who was coming back to take me away from the people I had to live with. My real mother, who had hands like mine, a face like mine and a heart like mine.
She never came back. I knew she wasn’t going to, but I always had a spark of hope. Something to get me through the dark times.
I pictured my mother in my mind. My adopter told me she had brown reddish hair, and she was 19 years old and married. A-mom told me my parents were too poor to keep me. That sounded reasonable when I was little, but when I grew up I wondered why my father couldn’t get a job, so they could have kept me. My a-parents were far from rich, and the agency gave me to them. It was pretty confusing for a little girl. But I had no choice. I had to accept it. I had to eat. There was nowhere for me to go. I had to pretend I didn’t have feelings about being adopted, because that made a-mommy mad, and it scared me when a-mommy was mad. She had a big scary voice, and a big scary face, and I didn’t like to be yelled at, so I learned to just shut up. Shut up, shut off my feelings.
When I found my mother, I thought everything was good. She told me she loved me, and never wanted to give me up. I shared my feelings with her. I thought she hurt as much as I did, so we could share our pain at being separated. I made a mistake.
I shared too much. I didn’t realize how she was feeling, because she tried to hide it from me. One day she broke, and lashed out at me. I never saw it coming. I thought she understood me, but it was not the case.
After that, things were never the same.